March 2022 was an unofficial (Indonesian) National Heartbreak Month because Tulus, one of Indonesian prominent singers, released a song titled “Hati-Hati di Jalan” (Be careful on the way). The song is telling about acceptance of two people who got broke up. They are parting their ways and bid goodbye. That’s why it’s “Be careful on the way”. This song was our theme song on the way to Sumberpitu Cascade Pujon.
This Easter was super special since two of my friends from Bekasi were visiting Malang. My Bekasian friends, Irest and Elizabeth, decided to take an impromtu holiday here during long weekend. We went to Sumberpitu Cascade in the morning and arrived there around 11 AM. Irest was so tired of the way to go there since the road is unpaved, winding, and steep. She reclaimed that she knew why the cascade called Sumberpitu.
“I know this Seven Spring name comes from the Seven Deadly Sins, greed, envy… ” acclaimed Irest as we laughed together. After going through a super challenging steep unpaved road, she said it was super tiring. She “forgave” the road because the scenery is fantastic. Truly, the hill is so challenging as the journey of a human conquering their own sinful tendencies. We went up on the hill!
Thudding thumps, splatting steps, and splotching shoes. The unpaved road with the steep hill is a combination of unimaginable tremendous hope of the beautiful cascade. One of my friends said it was the journey of finding the soulmate and I said “No, it’s not this hard.” We laughed and deep down my heart, I think it might be true.
The biggest hill that I encounter when I was in a relationship is actually myself. Setting unrealistic expectations towards myself, betraying my own identity, and that particular unpaved road of insecurity which easily made me tumble in the perfect steps that I have taken is the kind of hill I encounter in the relationships. It’s the self sabotage hill that thought I needed to conquer in the hope of getting the “best” soulmate in the world.
The problem with “getting” a soulmate is some times I think I need acquire certain qualities and try to fit myself in the box that made me betray myself. I resented toward my (former) partner a lot and as Brené Brown said, “So, we thought resentment is the family of anger,right? Because we are bitter and mad.” In the video, she explained that when she was doing a podcast, she asked Marc Breckett, the head of emotion research center in Yale about resentment. She asked if resentment is the part of anger family. Marc —as quoted from Brené Brown— said, “No, resentment is a function of envy”. That short video from TikTok that I watched suddenly release me from my bottled up emotions. I was betraying myself, didn’t enjoy and unhappy in the relationship because I tried to negotiate myself. I know that I should not go over the hill of self-sabotaging in the hope of getting into the dysfunctional relationship. Knowing that I lost myself, I take my power, gain my strength, and be proud of quitting the self-sabotage hill.
We also didn’t manage to find the cascade because it was started to rain. Elizabeth even fell down on the slippery road and we got ourselves standing up again and continued our journey. However, along the way, we managed to dip our feet to a small refreshing river that washed away the dirt in our shoes and hands. After conquering the gruelling part, we arrived in Batu, the tourism city! We had a warm bowl of pork meatballs and it was raining. Perfect weather to enjoy a warm dish!
After the journey, I bid the two friends goodbye, “Hati-hati di jalan!”
We still contact each through chats. We miss each other as well! They planned to visit Malang once more some day. Hopefully.
After reflecting back on my own journey, not only did I bid my two friends, but also my old negotiable self goodbye. The journey is started in reclaiming my strength. It’s not the beautiful cascade that I search for. The soul mate. The one and only. It’s the cold refreshing river that flows around the hill that I need. It’s my blood. As long as my blood flowing, I keep on giving a faith on myself. I won’t negotiate myself with any of yous. I know my worth and I’ll stand tall against the self-sabotage hill I might encounter in the future.
Hati-hati di jalan.