The Lost Picture

When I was in high school, I loved “Nightmare Before Christmas”. Its eeriee vibes felt like home somehow. I felt like Jack who wanted something more. I wanted to have a picture which had the same vibes. Then I went to a bookstore and I found a sticker which showed the vibes that I wanted. The picture depicted a girl who brought a lantern in the searching of a way in a mystical forest. I thought it must be the thing I really searched.

My life was about a journey, or as I thought. I kept on searching for something out there, without knowing what I wanted to find. I was so sure, that travelling would change me because “if you lost yourself you will find yourself”. But I was lost for so many times on the road and I felt I couldn’t find “me”. I went to seminars in the hopes to change my life. My life was still the same. I thought it was because my super boring job! I quitted several times, yet I felt less me day by day.

One day, I lost the picture. It was really horrible because I put the picture inside my wallet. I lost my wallet. I didn’t even know how did I lost it! The last time I remembered was, I still had chats with some colleagues in a mall and it was still there! Was it stolen? Did I drop it somewhere? How did I lose it? I had to report all my documents and make new ones. I definitely hate paper works as much as you do but I got to do it. More than just the document, I lost the picture which depicting my life. I could get my documents back but not the picture.

I’m the type of a person who try so hard to hold things for quite a long time. I still keep some toys I love back then when I was a baby. I cling to my possession and I think the loss of the picture is the sign for me to move on. It was a sign that I should find another thing to resemble my life. I am now not in the search of anything. I realized that what I search out there often comes from within. In the beginning of pandemi, I went outside for the first time just to let sun shone on my face. It was peaceful. I didn’t leave the house at all. The beams of light gave me warmth and the sky was so blue. I didn’t have to travel far, attend any seminar or made a huge decision like quitting my job. It was a simple way to appreciate the day and I enjoyed it a lot. I couldn’t take the picture for the feeling I had and I definitely couldn’t gram it. I started to live for my own experience, less for fortune or fame. I started to understand why the eeriee picture of a girl searching for something out there made a lot of sense: I was so scared of myself the whole time.

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